A Pair of Boobs in the Window

Okay, this is a lighter entry from my book, much lighter. All guys remember the first pair of boobs they ever saw. I will leave it at that. Enjoy!

I think it’s a man thing but I often forget my keys when I leave the house. It’s gotten a lot better over the years since I have learned to try and put them in the same place when I go to bed but when I was younger, it occurred frequently. I hadn’t yet learned the trick of giving them a specific place to rest at night. On many occasions when I was in grade school I would end up getting stuck outside of my house waiting for somebody to come home and let me in.

This story takes place with me in the 7th grade. At this time in my life boobs were kind of like Santa Claus to me. I had heard of them, there was evidence that they existed but I had yet to see them in real life. In the 80’s young boys saw boobs one of 3 ways, either on cable tv, through the Africa edition of National Geographic or if you were lucky enough to be a younger brother, through your eldest siblings stash of porno magazines. My friend Allen had cable tv so he scouted out all of the movies that had nudity in them, my dad liked National geographic and my oldest brother Dave had nudie mags so I was covered on all 3 bases, but the elusive real life boobs had still evaded me.

 One day I had again forgotten my keys. I went to the doorstep and knocked on the door, hoping somebody was home. Well, unfortunately nobody was home so I was out of luck. Rather than just sit on the front porch I decided I would kill some time in the backyard.  Luckily it doesn’t take much to keep my occupied so I could handle just hanging out in the backyard for awhile. I went around and hopped the fence that led to the backyard. I took the 25 foot walk and went towards the back, to be honest I have no idea what I was going to do. I turn the corner and I look into the small bedroom and there it is. Lo, and behold my brother Dave has a girl over and she is naked. She is standing there in her panties getting dressed and I see my first pair of boobs. Unlike Santa Claus I have evidence that they do exist. I don’t know if my memory is glorifying this pair but I remember them as being pretty majestic. I can imagine a chorus of angels singing as I visualize them. They were huge and I remember the nipples themselves being as big as basketballs and those boobs drooped like a basset hound. It was amazing. My brother made eye contact with me and I skeedaddled to the front of the house so he could let me in.

I go to the front of the house and knock on the door again, knowing I will be let in. My brother lets me in. A few minutes later both he and Dorothy walk out of the house and Dave says “Hey, my brother saw your tits.” She didn’t say a word. Her brother and I would become friends. We went to the same school and he lived about 3 minutes away from the junior high we attended. One day I went over to his house and she got pissed and smashed his face into a bowl of strawberry ice cream. I never went back to that place. I can imagine her brother Liam didn’t like his sister too much. But as for me, well, you can say I saw a different side of her.

Requited Love

In part 6 of The Shawna years I discover what I was truly seeking from Shawna. In this one I recall one of the truly fulfilling moments of our friendship. I realize what had triggered me from part 3 The I Love You Conundrum. When it comes to true love who comes first? Read on and find out what happens next.

It is now the middle of 1996 and I am out of Job corps living in downtown San Diego on my own. For the first time in my life I am living independently. Making ends meet by working 35 hours a week and 6 dollars an hour. I couldn’t afford much so I was living in a residential hotel in a room so small it would make a prisoner complain. But it was all mine. Even though I had to go down the hall to take a shower, in a private room of course, I was proud to be on my own.

Shawna and Tim were still together and both at Job Corps. We still kept in touch and one day she decided to come over with Tim to visit me. Tim and I got along great so there was no tension between us. I think that when Shawna told Tim that I was the reason they got back together it smoothed our relationship. She let him know in no uncertain terms that he would have been done for if I hadn’t talked her back into getting back with him. Tim was great to her. I liked him for her so being that I loved her and wanted the best for her it was only right that I think of her and not myself and let her know she was making a mistake. Once Tim knew I was not some asshole male friend waiting for his opportunity to swoop on in like a vulture he knew he could trust me. He was old enough to know that a lot of guys who are just friends will take the first chance they get to denigrate the current boyfriend so that they can have a shot at a girl. But that is not me. I believe that love does the right thing and love is not supposed to be selfish. Sometimes Shawna and I would go out to a movie on our own and Tim was like “Did you enjoy the movie?” And he was totally cool, he never gave me any kind of crap nor did I give him any. Having Tim as her boyfriend allowed me to be happy for Shawna which in and of itself had a lot of value to me so I will always like Tim for that.

Tim and Shawna come over to my not so deluxe apartment in the sky and Shawna had been drinking a little bit. She wasn’t drunk by any means but she was feeling it a little bit. So here we are some 13 months after we had met, some 7 months after I first told her I loved her and with Tim right there she tells me”I love you,Marc.” Nice timing, Shawna, real nice. I said nothing. This was really awkward for me. Tim is right there, what will he think? So of course having said nothing Shawna repeats herself “Did you hear that Marc? I love you.” Sometimes I just think the Universe is out to fuck me, and this was one of those times. I sheepishly told her ” I love you too.” 

That moment meant a lot to me. I had secretly been stewing for 7 months about her not telling me she loved me after I told her. All of those feelings I had about not being valued the same as others had come to the surface. I wondered why Rachel got an I love you and I didn’t. I had thought about an old fried Natalie who knew me for years and had never hugged me and then met my friend and within 20 minutes when they said goodbye she hugged him. These kind of things make me feel like I am some sort of an asshole. These things make me feel undervalued. Instances like these make me feel like women. although the like me, they enjoy being my friend don’t have a real connection to me. Natalie is the reason I was triggered by Shawna’s missing I love you from months ago. These things anger me. But anger is just hurt covered up with several blankets. Her I love you although awkward and poorly timed was what I needed. I needed to know I meant something to her. 

Patterns

This one was a fun one to write. It shows my humor and also gives some insight into my thought process. This story shows how my autism was an asset for me. My ability to recognize patterns turned out to be very beneficial for me. Good humor and good life lessons can be found in this story!

I was doing a lot of thinking about the importance of recognizing patterns in life. What I’m going to do is give you a quick IQ test of sorts and see if you can recognize the pattern. OK? Here we go. What number comes next in the sequence? 4,9,16,25, 36? Ready for a new one? Which of the following does not belong? Police officer, fireman, supermarket clerk, cafeteria lady, lawyer? And finally, which of the following does not belong? Wife, meat, dog, egg, blowjob? You’re dying to know right? Well, I’ll get to it. But first a little story.

My mother died nearly seven years ago and as you can imagine it was a very difficult time, not just for me but also for my wife as well. For when a loved one suffers their partners suffer with them. My mom’s death was not a quick sudden one. As a matter of fact, ten years before my mom died she told me she had six months to live. We were blessed to have that extended time with her. And she made the most of her last 10 years. She traveled a lot and made sure to do the really important things in life and that is spend time with your friends and loved ones. My wife and I had a lot of time to discuss how to handle my mother’s impending death. She gave me great advice and warned me that I needed to mend my wounds with her, to make my peace. And I did. I learned that I can not run from the situation or I would suffer for it, so I showed up for her time and time again. Another important thing I learned is how the loss of a loved one affects relationships.

One of the biggest causes of a divorce is the loss of a loved one. When couples lose a child it can be devastating and the pain is so great the couples often divorce over it, when one of them loses a parent the same result often happens. You have to be prepared for the emotional damage that this can cause. You have to know that you will be hurt, that you will react in anger, that you will take it out on your spouse. You have to know the ensuing pattern. 

I won’t provide a lot of details about her death right now becasue that will be addressed in a later chapter but I want to talk about how this pattern affected my wife and I. Sometime shortly after my mom passed my wife and I got into a pretty heated fight. Honestly, I can’t remember what it was about, because the issue was probably insignificant, the fight was about pain. We were both in a lot of pain, we both loved her and we were both grieving. So it was inevitable, we were going to blow up. It got so bad, we came very close to breaking up. Several years later we are still together, because we remembered a conversation we had about what to expect. We talked about how death tears apart relationships. In the back of our minds when the going got tough and we almost walked away from each other we recognized we were in the grips of a pattern more powerful than us. We had made a decision before her death not to make any drastic decisions within 6 months of her death. So, we put off breaking up.

I am so grateful that we were able to make the wise decision. We are still together today and we would have missed out on our own beautiful wedding, on a lovely trip to Italy, on many Christmases together and hundreds of lovely Sunday conversations over a cup of coffee had we not recognized the pattern of devastation that comes with the loss of a loved one.

Okay, so you’ve been waiting for the answers to the test. The first answer to the test is 49. 2 squared is 4,3 squared is 9, 4 squared is 16, 5 squared is 25, 6 squared is 36 so the next number would be 49. The next answer is lawyer. The rest of the people wear name badges. And finally, the last answer is blowjob. You can beat your wife, you can beat your meat, you can beat your dog, you can beat an egg, but nothing beats a blowjob.

If you enjoyed this story and can’t wait to get more you can purchase my book The Driveway Rules here!

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How to Introduce Yourself

There is an age old question which plagues mankind, one just as baffling as what is the meaning of life, which I can answer for you, life is a breakfast cereal known for its brown checkered squares and we all know that Mikey likes it, and that question is, what do we say to women when we meet them? I was never really adept at this, I had no pick-up lines, basically I would just wing it. Now there is something to be said for authenticity but I think it’s also important to make a real impression. If you’re at a bar you can go the classy way and order the lady a drink, for instance, “‘I’ll have an Arnold Palmer and the lady will have a Bill Cosby.” Or “Hey did you see the Avengers last year? I don’t want to ruin it but let’s say Thanos was like a stand-up comic, he was just killing it. I’m sure either of those lines would work but nobody can match the panache of our good family friend Joe Peters.

One thing my dad taught me through his actions is that we are not better than anybody. I mean my dad likes everybody, except for whomever is the republican president at the time, but other than that my dad truly believes that we are all equal. He has time for everybody and his kindness is inspiring. When I was growing up one of the neighbor families was the Peters. The Peters had a son named Joe who suffered brain damage and became mentally retarded as the result of being kicked in the head by a horse. Joe’s father also died so my dad became like a surrogate father to him even though he was being raised by his mother and later on he lived in group homes and institutions. My dad would keep Joe’s comedy records for him when he was living at institutions, he would buy him clothes, take him out to movies, talk to him on the phone and was just really a great friend to Joe.

Joe is absolutely one of my favorite people of all time. He really had a love of comedy. He had a great record collection which included Allen Sherman, the Smothers brothers and yes, Bill Cosby. I personally listened to many of his albums while they were being kept safely in my room. Bill Cosby’s story about watching his kids and being convinced by them to make chocolate cake for breakfast is still one of the greatest bits I have ever heard.  Joe also liked to drink beer and smoke cigarettes. So he was a pretty regular type guy but he just happened to have the intellect of an 8 year old. There is one more thing that Joe liked to do that guys can relate to but we will get to that later. Can you say foreshadowing?

There was a pizza place about a mile and half from where I lived in Fremont and one day we decided to all go there. My mom and dad were there and my uncle Gene and his wife Jerry and my brother Jim and I also went. Jerry hadn’t met Joe yet and as I said Joe was not down syndrome so you couldn’t tell immediately that Joe had his mental challenges. Joe was a pretty friendly guy, he liked to talk to people and he would always tell me jokes when he would call the house. His sense of humor was always endearing. So Joe walks up to Jerry and says ” Hi, I’m Joe. I like to masturbate.” Bam! There it is. You should have seen the look on Jerry’s face, she looked like she just saw a six car pile up on the freeway, then she just says “Good, for you.” This is too good to make up, I’m just glad Joe didn’t get his ass kicked. Anyhow my mom walked over to Jerry a little bit later and says in her ear, “He’s retarded” to which Jerry replied, “Ohhhh.” I mean, A plus response on both accounts. What more is there to say to that, really?

I have to thank my brother Jim for reminding me of this story the other day. We were chatting about some of our favorite memories from our youth and he brought this up. In an odd way there is a brilliance to this kind of introduction though if you think about it. We never know what to say to people when we meet them. Should we come up with something trivial like the weather or a movie? Should we be cheesy, like, use a standard pick up line? Should we be direct, like hey, you look good or should we say something about ourselves which is significant, which gives somebody a little insight into who we are? I think Joe had the right idea, just not exactly the right execution. “I like to masturbate” is not exactly a good way to endear yourself to a lady but ” I like 90’s alternative rock and my first love is baseball” that might be a good way to introduce yourself.

Both Joe and my dad have taught me a few things about life. My dad has taught me to be kind to others. We are never above anybody. I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the underdog and will often stop and give some spare change to a panhandler and make small talk with them for a moment before going my way. Joe has taught me to be authentic and no matter who you are there is nothing like a little comedy to brighten your day.

Ok, they’re not all going to be about pizza, I swear. But I got to thinking how funny the first one was and realized I have another funny story that takes place in a pizza parlor. So why not keep the theme going. The stories get more serious but I show my sense of humor throughout the book.

If you love what you’re reading you can purchase my book online at

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The Worst Song To Serenade Somebody with

I’ve been gone from this site for over a year. Over the last year I have re-branded myself you might say. In the past my focus was on recovery from alcoholism. Now, I am expanding and showing even more of myself. I am not only an alcoholic but also am on the Autism spectrum. Last year I wrote a book of memoirs about what it was like to go through life not knowing I was on the Autism spectrum. Relationships were a mighty struggle for me. The focus of this blog will be giving you excerpts from my book. Ready? Here we go with the first entry.

The year was 1993 and it was late September in Newark, California, a neighboring city to Fremont where I was living at the time. My birthday falls on the 14th and this one takes place during a pizza date that my friend Natalie invited me on to celebrate my birthday. A lot of memories with women back in my twenties remind me of my ineptitude at dating. I just had it in my mind that I sucked when it came to women so when you operate with that frame of mind things will only be difficult. Now that I am happily married I am at peace because eventually I got to the place I wanted to be. But the road there was full of struggles and the point of struggles is to learn something about them. That is the point of rehashing my past, to see what I have learned from it.

So I had just turned twenty-two and my friend Natalie and I had turned a corner in our friendship. There was a sexual tension building between us that was palpable. We had knownn each other for years through other people. First she was good friends with Jean’s younger sister then she ended up becoming good friends with Jean. So over the years I spent a lot of time with her because of my friendship with Jean. For awhile I had the impression that Jean was into her so I never thought of her as somebody to pursue. As time went on nothing happened between them and eventually it got to the point where it was now fair to show an interest in her. Natalie and I started talking on the phone and getting to know each other better this way. Getting into the talking stage with women was always fun and I always enjoyed getting to know them but it always seemed to be a dead end street. Once we got talking we just stayed talking. We would talk about everything under the sun except we would never talk about how we felt about each other. So it’s a bittersweet subject for me. One day Natalie took action and asked me out to celebrate my birthday. We would go play pool and then have some pizza.

My walk over to the pool hall which was right next to the pizza place was about forty-five minutes. On my way there I was trying to figure out what her intentions were for me. I read it that she was into me and read it as a date so I was excited. A forty-five minute walk to a date is actually a pretty good thing because it gives you a lot of time to figure out how you feel about a woman. I liked her and I was most definitely interested in her at this point. I wonder if a lot of guys come up with game plans when they go out with a woman. If I am the one asking a woman on a date I have a plan as far as the activities go, what to do and what time to meet up but I never have a when will I make a move plan. I just always felt like that should come natural. I always figured when the time was right it would just happen. There would be a moment and we would both know it and then nature would take its course. I value genuineness and planning how and when to make a move does not seem genuine, it is too contrived for my taste.

We met up at the pool hall and played for awhile. At this place you rent a table for the hour and then play as many games as you want within that hour and when the time is up it’s up. We played an hour and all seemed to be going pretty well. I was really enjoying spending time with her alone. I prefer a lot of alone time when I am dating a woman. I do much better in one on one scenarios and get a greater sense of fulfillment from them than I do in group settings. I feel like I get lost in the shuffle in group settings and don’t connect very well individually. I get caught up as somebody’s listener but I am not really given the space to do much talking. This is how it has always been for me. After we played pool we walked across the parking lot just a bit and went to the pizza place.

At the pizza place we sat down and we were sitting right across from one another. All of a sudden with the pizza in between us guess what? She makes her move. With no musical accompaniment she decides to sing Whitney Houston, and not just any Whitney Houston song but the biggest love song of her career, I Will Always Love You. I got serenaded acapella to this song. For some reason all I can remember is her singing  the big hook and IIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuu, uuuu, and IIIIIII will always love youuuu. Yes that part. This was the big moment. The moment I had been waiting for. She is across the table and I am looking into her big brown beautiful eyes just completely taken in by this moment. This is it! This is the point in the romantic movie where the guy and girl finally come closer and they give each other a big kiss. Okay, I’m ready, ah fuck there’s a pizza in the way! And she’s all the way on the other side of the table! God damn it! I got cockblocked by a pizza. Who gets cockblocked by a pizza? So I just sat there and waited for her to finish the song. And when she did I just said “that was nice.” What the hell? I completely and utterly just froze. The big moment came and went and that was that. 

When we were done eating pizza we went outside in the parking lot to say goodbye. I was feeling so awkward because I felt like that big moment had just passed me by. I was so uncomfortable that I just sped my way through the goodbyes and thanked her. I was demoralized. From that point on it was all downhill. We stayed friends but I just knew in my head that if it wasn’t going to happen then it just wasn’t going to happen. I gave up all hope that she and I would ever be a couple. I began to look for reasons why she would make a horrible girlfriend. And you know what? I found them. So by the time she actually brought up the conversation about whether or not I could see us as a couple which was some five months later I had already given up. I was done. 

She asked me if I could see us being together and I just said “it wouldn’t work out” and I think I just got nervous about the whole conversation so I said something really messed up and desperate. I said that I could see us having sex but not being together as a couple. I wish I would have kept that to myself. To make matters worse a few months after that she called to see how I was doing and she asked me if I was dating anybody. I said yes and explained that I had a new girlfriend. This confused her and she said “I thought you didn’t want a girlfriend.” Without thinking and just responding honestly and factually I said ” I never said that. I never said I didn’t want a girlfriend.” She said “Oh,just, me!” I said “yes” and she cried and said she had to go. God, I felt shitty. That went south really quick and I did not want to hurt her or intentionally be mean like that. I used to really like this girl. The feelings were far more than just sexual. She never knew that for a moment in time I wanted her but it just never happened. Raise your hand if you’ve ever been cockblocked by a pizza. That’s what I thought.

By the way I ended up looking up the lyrics to I will always love you recently and it’s just a crappy way to try and win somebody over. If you look closely at the lyrics it’s a damn break up song. It says we both know I’m not what you need. I don’t remember her singing that part of the song to me. Four years later a more appropriate song came out by Sixpence none the richer called kiss me. I think people should use that one as a make a move song.

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