A Split-Second Decision

I feel like I should post this one now after the last post. This is the second post about Shawna. It may be better if you get the whole 7 part story in order. Jaime was a girlfriend that I mourned hard over. It hit and hurt me deeply. But Shawna was a love, where the loss lingered with me for a long time. I couldn’t get over her. Too many what if’s to process. Too much questioning of myself. So here it is part 2 of my great romantic debacle, A Split-Second Decision. Let me know what you think.

This one takes place a little while after I had returned from seeing Jaime. As I knew would happen Jaime and I were intimate on the weekend I went to see her. Having rethought the whole idea about seeing other people I had decided that we should be exclusive. It was not right for me to be physically involved with more than 1 woman at a time. It hurt everybody involved. When I got back to Job Corps I explained to Shawna how Jaime and I were now exclusive. I felt really good about my prior decision to hold off starting anything with Shawna. That would have just killed our friendship right then and there. Did Chester tell Shawna about our conversation? I will never know. Shawna and I never discussed it. Since I had never kissed Shawna or even told her of any interest in her then as far as I knew I was exonerated of any wrong-doing. 

Another week had passed by and Shawna did not let on at all that she may have been upset about me getting together with Jaime. Nothing had changed between the two of us, and there was never any discussion about us being anything other than friends. We still hung out all the time. We still ate all of our meals together and we were still growing closer everyday. She was nothing but supportive of me. Because the relationship with Jaime was so tumultuous, I really valued having someone to talk about Jaime with. Very quickly my relationship with Shawna became very important to me.

One day when I was in my dorm the phone rang in the hallway. It was right around dinner time and Shawna would come and get me and on occasion she would yell for me and I would come down and go to dinner with her. I answered the phone and it was Jaime. We talked for a little bit and I heard the familiar voice of Shawna yell from downstairs. “MAAAARC” she yelled.  At that second I had a decision to make. I could continue my conversation with Jaime or run downstairs to Shawna to be with her. What would I do?

I had never really given it any consideration before, who would I choose in an instant? I had loved Jaime for about 14 months at this point and knew Shawna for just about 5 weeks. Jaime deserved my loyalty, no question about it. So why would this have even crossed my mind? Sometimes you don’t know where your heart really lies until you get tested and this was one of those times. I choose to go to Shawna, which surprised me immensely. I had no idea how strongly I felt about her, up until that moment.

I told Jaime immediately that I had to go and why. And of course she was not very pleased about it. I had no explanation for choosing her. What can one really say? All I said was I have to go, Shawna wants me. I knew it was wrong the second I said it. I went downstairs to see Shawna and we went our way to the dining hall. I walked on like nothing had happened. At that moment I knew my heart had changed, I knew that Shawna was the one. The problem is, Shawna didn’t know. I did not tell her what happened. I was not comfortable letting on just how strongly my connection was with her. She had no idea I choose her over Jaime, all she knew was that she called and I came running. Shortly after Jaime and I broke up. She kissed somebody else. After all that crap we went through seeing other people and then finally becoming exclusive again. All of those struggles and I finally give her what she wanted all along,to be exclusive again and she messes around. I was devastated and I was pissed. But I should have seen it coming. I mean, emotionally speaking you could say I cheated on her. To choose Shawna over her like I did in that moment, that was not right of me. I should not have hurt her like that.  I had a split-second decision to make and I made one.